(Phoenix, AZ) Doctors were stunned last week when eighteen year old Emily Jones was brought into the emergency room in the midst of giving birth by her boyfriend of two years Sam Grammerly.
“I was as shocked as anyone”, miss Jones said, in a T.V. interview after the successful delivery of healthy baby boy, Jim, “I mean, I meant to go get an abortion, since Sam and I are both pretty young and have no clue what to do about raising a baby, but I guess I just forgot”.
Doctor Eduardo Gonzales, who delivered baby Jim, was stunned.
“Wow, I just, don’t know how this even happened. I mean, two irresponsible young kids having a baby without knowing exactly what to do every step of the way and having to fumble their way through raising it? What are the odds? I’m pretty sure this is the first time in human history we’ve seen this situation, so, I’m not quite sure what to expect for the little tyke”
Research indicates that in all of human history babies have either been born to fully responsible and well equipped parents, typically pulling in six figures and both with college degrees, or aborted while they were little clumps of cells and not given official baby status. In fact, we didn’t even know going through with actual birth was even possible until Emily Jones took us to school! Imagine that!
We reached out to local child development professionals with our own questions about how such a thing could have happened as well as what the future might look like for little baby Jim and the feedback was shocking. Tyreeka Johnson of Phoenix child services chimed in:
“A baby born to a couple of unprepared and ignorant kids? Are you pulling my leg? You’re not? Oh dear god, there certainly can’t be anything good in store for a child like that. I suspect he might grow up to be a back alley gigolo turning tricks for dimes, if he’s lucky! You certainly can’t expect anything great out of such a lowly creature. He could never be a musician, or a painter or an engineer! Ha, ha! An engineer. Could you imagine? His parents should have just aborted the cells as soon as the woman found out she was infected, I mean, pregnant, but maybe she just forgot for nine months. Millennials, amirite?”
No matter what happens to baby Jim, back alley gigolo or mentally retarded vegetable, we will certainly keep our eyes on this historical figure, the first of his kind on this great green globe we call planet Earth! Good luck, Jim. The great Spaghetti Monster in the Sky knows you’re going to need it!