It is my experience that women love for alpha guys to treat them poorly. This feeds their need for drama and excitement. For some ladies life is ALL drama and ALL excitement, and these types of ladies are screwed up. Think almost any celebrity woman who is around alpha male celebrities.
On the other end of the spectrum you have those ladies who just loooooooove romance. In case you didn’t know, the term “romance” is actually just code word for “men doing stuff for me”. The majority of women I know (and from reading and experience) have no clue how to BE romantic, they just want to be romanced! Manosphere knowledge says that women are incapable of being romantic, and that it is actually MEN that are the romantics, and this makes sense when you consider how often you hear ladies go on and on about how their husbands/boyfriends did “this” and “that” for them, yet you rarely, if ever, hear about how they did anything similar for their men.
Just as some ladies are addicted to Drama some ladies are addicted to Romance. They have an expectation from their man (husband or boyfriend) to constantly be doing stuff for them. Talking to them in a way that makes them feel unthreatened and special, buying them flowers, taking them on trips, catching on their thinly veiled hints that their men should get up and make them food or bring them something. Basically they like to see their men in servitude.
Now it is my understanding that a guy should be a proper mix of both alpha (drama) and beta (romance) to keep a relationship healthy, though the “proper mix” of yesteryear is much different from modern times. I refer a lot to the movie “In the Heart of the Sea” in which the main character leaves his pregnant wife behind to go to work, on the sea, for two years hunting whale oil. For the time period he seems to be exhibiting a good balance of alpha/beta traits in that he is very well built physically (from his work), he works a dangerous “alpha” job, yet he cares for and loves his wife when he is with her. This gives her a good balance of both drama and romance. While he is away she can worry about what he is doing, who he is with and whether or not he is still alive, and while he is home he spends time with her and likely brings her back various gifts and trinkets from different ports-of-call.
Modern man is seen as having a good balance of alpha/beta with much more focus on being available for his wife and family. Indeed one of the biggest chastisements of the church toward men is that they need to “be there for their families” and avoid becoming “obsessed with work”. Compare this to the Christians in the time of “In the Heart of the Sea”, who sometimes had little choice in how much time they got to spend with their families if they wanted their families to survive. Were those men in the wrong? Were they committing sin by not carving out a “date night”?
Now, some of you might think this sounds messed up and cruel, and your probably right, but I don’t make this a thing, it simply is. If you think I’m a misogynist or a lunatic then I suggest you take time to really observe the relationships around you. I guarantee that if you know more than a few couples then you can observe these dynamics at work. You may see more of one type of couple than the other, but trust me, they are out there.
Romance in and of itself this isn’t a horrible thing. I love my wife and I actually enjoy taking her places and buying her things, as I think most men do for their women. It’s our love for these women that want us to do things for them beyond simple provision (Sound familiar? Any other Father figure out there who provides above and beyond for those He loves because He loves them?).
Unfortunately, however, romance has become one of the drugs of choice for the modern woman, yes, even the modern Christian woman, and its partially the fault of men. Well, beta men.
You see, when you don’t have alpha traits that make attracting the ladies easy you are left with only a couple of choices: 1) Work hard to build alpha traits or 2) “Romance”, which is code for “doing stuff for women”. Since the last couple of generations of boys have been left out to dry in terms of learning alpha traits, many of them have turned to romance, or been told that romance is the key, to gaining the heart of a young girl. Thus you have an epidemic of young men who pour the romance on THICK. Thicker than fat on bacon (well, the good kind). Thicker than honey. Thicker than THICK, thick. You see an example of this when you go to YouTube and type up a search on “incredible prom proposals”. These guys (mostly) go through extreme lengths to do “things” for the lady in question in a cringing display of subservience and “look at all this time and effort I put into spending just one night with you in public!”. Again, this in and of itself is not horrible, and can make for great memories, if it were just this one instance. The fellow that does this, however, has a high likelihood of continuing to pour time and effort into romancing his lady because, hey, it worked once, why not keep it going?
This, however, grooms these ladies to expect a constant fix of romance from said young boy. This creates issues during long term relationships (or in marriage) because, guess what? The lady still wants her fix of drama! Unfortunately for our young fellow he has already cemented himself as her main source of romance, and any attempt at drama will be seen as him simply being “mean”. “Mean” from an alpha generates excitement, while “mean” from a beta is just….well, mean. Thus we see another epidemic of long term girlfriends and wives seeking out other means of drama in the form of cheating, divorce (I love you but I am not IN love with you) and trips to the Caribbean with her girlfriends for a chance to “find herself” (which typically leads to cheating and divorce).
I will admit that I am a victim of this horrible epidemic. Certainly not a jock in high school I used my charm and “romance” on the ladies until it got me a wife. I am now expected to be her romance fix and almost everything I do or say is weighed against a “romance scale”. Often times I find that when I try to liven things up with a few smartass remarks, harmless stuff really, they are taken as me being mean or “a real romantic” (read that with as much sarcasm as you can).
Any long time reader of my blog will know that I was certainly not raised with any knowledge of alpha/beta or concept of “manliness”. Not for lack of an example in my father, who was a football star in high school, well known and well liked by all the ladies. He really is a great example of an alpha/beta balance, but the problem lies in that he never taught me any of this stuff growing up. I attribute it to his being a natural alpha. To him its just being him. Like a color blind man who doesn’t know he is color blind until someone points it out. To him the world is just normal, he has no idea he is different. My father is much the same way. To him it is just life and what he does, he didn’t know he had to actually teach someone how to be like him, heck, he probably still has no real understanding of an alpha/beta mechanic because its just not a concept to him.
Romance has become a curse for us beta husbands who seek to break free from the chains of beta-ness. In order to foster alpha traits we must generate drama, and our wives simply cannot comprehend the change in our attitudes and goals. They don’t expect their beta husbands to be “jerks”, but other guys who are “jerks” will gain all kinds of attention. Oh, they know when other guys are jerks, and they will tell you how so-and-so is a jerk, but for some reason they cant seem to stop telling you how jerky they are. This is subconscious (or maybe very, very conscious) interest.
The question is how does the beta husband/boyfriend break free from the curse of romance? For the boyfriend its not so difficult. Change. That’s it. If your lady doesn’t like it, let her walk. Its probably better that way anyway because she has already cemented you in her mind as her beta romance fix. Better to find a clean slate and make a new first impression as the alpha jerk who sometimes has a heart of gold.
For husbands its a much more difficult endeavor. Your wife has already cemented you as her beta romance fix, and simply walking away is not a pleasant option. If your a Christian then walking away is sin, as we are commanded not to part from our wives, and to continue to provide for them (1 Timothy 5:8). Christian or not, husbands also have the pleasant fun of looking down the barrel of the modern divorce court system that almost guarantees your wife walks away with half or more of your stuff, your money and possibly your livelihood if she decides to leave because she doesn’t like the “new you”. Like the unmarried, a married man can simply “change”, but he must live with the fallout. His wife may take a liking to his new attitude, but it is more likely that she will not. She wants her alpha drama fix, but not from you. You are her romance fix, and she will not want to give that up. It gives her power to have an expectation of romance from you. The power to administer guilt, which gives her the power to make demands.
How then does the married Christian beta, in this day and age, transform into a Christian alpha without doing the things that offend God?