Lose 10 lbs, fast.

I don’t normally do ‘health’ posts, but today is a special day. Today I am going to tell you how to lose 10 lbs. particularly fast and fairly simply:

Get pancreatitis.

Yeah. I didn’t say it was the BEST way to lose 10 lbs. fast, I just said it was a way to lose 10 lbs. fast.

Rewind, last week, Tuesday morning I got up and made myself two eggs and a slab of sausage for breakfast, 5 AM. Played a little FFXIV and by 6:40AM decided that the egg and sausage wasn’t sitting too well and I would need to grab some stomach medicine from the local Walmart before I get to work.

7 AM I hit the parking lot, call my boss and tell him I am headed home, because my stomach is just in knots. Home by 7:10 AM and in bed.

Around 9-10 AM is where I lose track of everything because I imagine that, if one had been poisoned with a particularly nasty poison, by a ninja, in the night, who wanted you to die a good, drawn out and painful death, it would pretty much feel how I felt for the rest of the day.

Go to the hardware store and buy a good sized nut. Maybe half-inch or so. Now go home and put that nut in your oven and turn the oven up to say…I dunno, 450 and let it sit in there for an hour. Now take that nut and swallow it. That’s pretty much how I felt.

Not quite sure what was going on I took all manner of stomach medicine trying to alleviate the pain. I would eventually fall asleep for a short time, but wake back up to even more pain. Thinking I had perhaps gotten food poisoning I posted something on FB asking for prayer when my uncle, who is a medical doctor, offered to drive down from where he lives and pay me a visit. It was 8 PM and he is about an hour away, but I was desperate so I invited him. After a quick look over he recommended I go straight to the emergency room and I was glad to oblige.

Was taken in emergency Tuesday night, got out of the hospital 2PM Saturday afternoon after an acute case of rare drug induced pancreatitis. At least, that’s all my uncle could come up with. The doctors at the hospital have given me a diagnosis of ‘inconclusive’, as their battery of tests came back neither bad nor good, just ‘not optimal’. My uncle, however, indicated that the recent medication I had been prescribed by my normal doctor has been show to cause pancreatitis in rare cases, so lucky me!

I now return you to my regularly scheduled programming of girls, games, Zeppelin, Final Fantasy and everything in between.

Also, do yourself a favor. Try another diet. The pancreatitis diet works, but it hurts like hell and it will probably run you close to $40,000 after the doctors are all done with you.

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Author: SnapperTrx

Just a guy on the internet.

7 thoughts on “Lose 10 lbs, fast.”

    1. Thanks. It took several days of antibiotics and horrible, horrible tests that I would never wish on my worst enemies for me to get to the point that I was not actually begging death to take me into it’s sweet, silent arms. This has been my first visit to a hospital like this in my entire 41 years and I didn’t particularly care for it. I mean, the people were nice, but the conditions under which I met them were horrible! 1/10, would not get pancreatitis again!

  1. This is so funny! But sad, I’m sorry you were sick. I’m trying to lose 10 pounds before my wedding and looking for advice! Although your way sounds tempting… I think I’ll stick with salads and workouts! I hope you’re feeling all better!

    1. I’m no doctor, but I think my advice is sound: Don’t get pancreatitis! Especially before your wedding! That being said, a high protein, low carb diet can put your body into ketosis and, for a week or so, you shed weight pretty fast. It’s safe, cheap (the price of meat and veggies) and doesn’t involve pills or chemicals. Just make sure you have a carb day once every 5-7 days (closer together if you are already kind of small). BAM!

      The best diet plan is the one that uses your physiology for you instead of against you.

      Also, congratulations.

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